Who’s lurking there in the darkness? I can’t see a face. Just shades of grey and someone’s breath. I don’t know when it’s going to happen. I don’t know when they will attack. When their needles will pierce my body again and again, creating anguish and pain. All they want is to see me in pain. All they want is to control me. For no reason. Just because they like it.
Sometimes they bombard me with accusations. That I’m not good enough. That I must endeavour more. That I’m not lovable the way I am. That am guilty and that I have to make up for it all the time.
When does it end? When do the cruelties end? I’ve had enough of this bullshit. I once believed that they were helping me. That they were protecting me from a threat. But it’s them who are threatening and menacing. They are mean and unfair. They don’t leave me a choice but suffer. Staying where I am is cowardly. Any step I do is a step in the wrong direction.
So here I sit. Faceless and speechless. Paralysed by the never ending shitstorm over my pure existence. I cry and beg them to stop. I will comply, please stop! I give in, please stop. Just stop.
I’m struggling to make compromises. I’m struggling because without those voices I’d be all alone. It’d be empty. I’m afraid of that. Without your misguidance and mistreatments, I would have nothing to cling onto.
That’s a rigged game, from the very beginning. It’s based on fear, obligation and guilt. It’s not working, you see? Will you ever be satisfied in your sadistic desires? No. Will I ever be content under your reign? No.
You cannot be dealt with in a diplomatic manner. You’re delighted at the sight of suffering. So I’ll make a one-sided deal. This is revenge. This is my full-hearted revenge.
I’ll embrace and love you. Love disgusts you? Way to go. Eat my love. Endure my thankfulness. You will be drowning in an ocean of acceptance. Because you are ok the way you are. It’s the game that’s rigged. And I’m just changing the rules. Every time you laugh at my weaknesses, every time you hit me, I’ll return it tenfold in love and I’ll be available for you to hit me again and again. As long as it takes.
Come on and hit me. What are you waiting for? Why are you hiding in the darkness anyway? Come into the light, I want to see you. I know, love is hard to accept. Especially when it comes for free. You’ll get used to it, because I’ll keep telling you that you matter. You have no choice but to be brainwashed. You’ll believe that you’re lovable. That you deserve love, respect and acknowledgement.
This is my sweet revenge.
Watch me closely, for I do it with compassion.