hi, name’s mio_blaue_version. i’m a little nasty sufferer. i prefer having a beef with people and pushing them away in my mind and beyond. welcome to this little world of personalised self-bullshitting by ϝαʅʅιɳɠ ʂιʅҽɳƚ.
let me start at the beginning. i think it was when i was twelve years old that i began to understand that suffering can indeed be an integral part of mundane everyday life. i understood and accepted the fact some folx around me can only be happily together for evermore as long as they kept up the quarrel between them. constant dissonance became an accepted element of everyday life. it was about then when i fell silent out of the blue. up to that point i had been a notoric chiacchierone (italianism for “chatterbox”) that enjoyed telling others about how they got the mana sword in secret of mana and how damn cool that sword beams are and hell yeah, that jump in zooper mario bruzzer drei in the fifth level in the ice world was so tight, you really need full running speed to make it past the ledge and […]. you get the point. i was fishing for attention and recognition, because those were rare goods to come by. when i understood how much of an nuisance i had been to people, especially to my those i met every day, i chose to shut up and let things be the way they are.
selective mutism. when there’s no way out of a situation, just wait until everything’s over. it feels a bit like playing dead for a second, and letting the other person hang in abeyence. it painfully feels like being in control for a second. but situations do indeed eventually end. i dreaded my maths teacher when i was around eleven or twelve. it was a monster glaring at you with its glowing eyes waiting for just the right moment to slit your throat. with its tentacles. emerging from its upper left eyebrow. every time maths teacher called my name for interrogation of the next exercise, i found not to move at all to be a useful strategy to swiftly let awkward moments take care of themselves. after five to ten seconds of intense silence, the spotlight was turned off. phew.
i had no problem in accepting that everything i do is just an nuisance to my surrounds. i clearly was a difficult and stubborn person, almost uncapable of cooperating when it comes to conversation. and that’s who i am: baaam! who’d be interested in me? who’d like me? and it was in a way better this way; the only people who kept having recurrent interactions with me consistenly were those who found me annoying, who saw issues in me. so i guess i kind of learned to kind of like that kind of interaction. kind of, kind of. having a struggle with people consistently is a way of having them in your life, at least.
i chose to apply for a job a couple of years back. it was me who chose the place and the content of work. i sent the application with my own digital signature. when i got a letter of acceptance, i danced modern impro dance on my kitchen sink. six months later i felt burnt-out caused by intense stress caused by doing nothing at all. i had a break-down in the tokyo metro. i felt small, helpless and clueless. i felt like an nuisance. i came back to berlin, von kopf bis fuß gebeutelt (germanism for “beaten from tip to toe”), and started falling silent to all of this.
in the beginning i thought that it would be enough to take a month off or two. the more i removed job-related tasks from my everyday life, the more i found them repelling. the more i hated them for filling me with such an immense feeling of guilt and shame, because i didn’t do them. so i didn’t do them even more intensely. i’ve tried not to look at them. i’ve tried to “just be who i am” (just without those tasks). but they look back. a lot. i’m pretty sure that they just want to tell me something. but right now i’m way to busy fighting off guilt+shame. sorry.
but now i’ve started realising that something seems fishy about this way of thinking. i’ve realised because i am much more lonely when i push people away. also, i’ve been pushing so much away lately that i’ve become unsure of what to push away next. content doesn’t seem to matter too much in this context. the action of pushing something away is in itself relieving. push push push. gone gone gone.
subtracting one from one works in theory: 1 – 1 = 0. but the mind doesn’t quite work like that. when there’s a task that i want to eradicate from my thoughts, i may push it away, but it’s not zero in the end. it is just that: a task + a feeling of pushing it away. the fallacy is that i way too often believe that pushing something away actually makes it go to zero. if that were the case, i wouldn’t remember anything, because i would probably have reformatted my brain, putting all bits neatly to 000000000000000000000000000000000.
self-bullshitting has a beauty that is only visible to a naive observer. it’s funny, because it never ends. there’s a sense of advancement and progress within, but it’s a hamster wheel from another point of view. self-bullshitting prentends to be a helping hand that promises to make you a better person. self-bullshitting thus co-emerges with self-doubt. it exists for no reason other than sustaining its own existance. no reason at all. it’s a piece of art.